The Sorrow of Secret Unforgiveness

Scripture: 2 Corinthians 2:5-11:

5 If anyone has caused grief, he has not so much grieved me as he has grieved all of you to some extent—not to put it too severely. 6 The punishment inflicted on him by the majority is sufficient. 7 Now instead, you ought to forgive and comfort him, so that he will not be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. 8 I urge you, therefore, to reaffirm your love for him. 9 Another reason I wrote you was to see if you would stand the test and be obedient in everything. 10 Anyone you forgive, I also forgive. And what I have forgiven—if there was anything to forgive—I have forgiven in the sight of Christ for your sake, 11 in order that Satan might not outwit us. For we are not unaware of his schemes (NIV).

For many of us, as Christians, it is easy to accept the forgiveness of Christ.  It is not so easy to forgive others, as commanded.  What’s even worse, it is easy for many of us to think we have forgiven someone, but to do and say things that really are not rooted in forgiveness at all.

I learned this fact, just this morning—again! 

The Lord woke me up this morning, and as soon as I opened my eyes, I began rejoicing.  I was still basking, in God’s glory, after a wonderful church service.  I had gone, the night before, to prayer service at my home church—The Times Square Church in Manhattan.  I felt great.  And I woke up feeling joy.  I checked in with family, and then came back to my prayer closet for my daily prayer time with Dad-in-Heaven.  

As soon as I began our time of prayer, God led me to this Scripture--2 Corinthians 2:5-11.  Then I felt Him place a person in my heart.  

Before I continue, I want to ask you all:  Is there someone in your life that you love, who makes it sometimes miserable to love them?  Is there someone that is in your life, that you strive to be around, but it is hard because of their negativity, bitterness, and pride?  Even worse, is there someone you love, whom you often apologize to when there is conflict or mishaps, but have yet to hear them own up to their mistakes—even once? 

Is this person a parent? A spouse? A sibling? A close friend you’ve had for years that you won’t give up on?  How about another relative—like that aunt who helped raise you or the cousin with whom you were raised?  Regardless, it is a person that you cannot easily give up on, because of the role God has chosen for them to play in your life.  Yet, loving them is the very cross you must bear, at times.  Do you know anyone like that?

Well, that is the person God placed on my heart this morning.  This person is a person I do love.  They have been there for me, sure— but not without the price of ups-and-downs, bickering, and often down-right negativity.  There have been moments of betrayal (intentional or unintentional); there have been moments of abandonment; there have been moments of selfishness; they have been episodes of use, misuse, and abuse!  Regardless if it was intentional or unintentional, there has been a lot of water under the bridge—a bridge that is barely holding up.  

There have been a lot of hurts between this person and me.  However, because we are family, I strive to maintain this relationship.  What choice does one have?  One cannot choose their sister, or their aunt, or their dad, or their child, or their mother-in-law.  If God saw fit to connect you to such a person, by blood or marriage, there is nothing you can do to choose otherwise.  You love them because of who they are in your life—even if you don’t particularly like them, or enjoy how they’ve turned out.  You may keep a safe distance, but you cannot easily walk away—especially if the Lord refuses for you to do so.  It can be even more difficult when they are not saved and they mock the One you love the most—the Lord God. 

As you can guess by now, I have a lot of issues regarding what this person—who is still unsaved—has done.   As I thought about this person, I felt the Spirit of God place another question in my heart.  “Can you forgive?”

I was floored because I thought I have forgiven this person—time and time again, in fact!  Me being me, I wouldn’t have even sneezed in their direction if I had not.  After all, I have been there for them when they needed me, as much as possible.  I’ve swallowed the anger, the disappointments, the pain.  I have even repented and apologized for the mistakes I’ve made (either as offense or defense) in this relationship.  I have been spending time with this person.  Of course, I have forgiven this person!!!

At least I thought so, until God Himself led me to the Scripture this morning.   In Second Corinthians, Chapter 2, Verses 5-11, we see Paul telling the church that if a brother has sinned—has caused us grief—we ought not just to forgive him, but we ought to remember that the punishment that person has faced—or is currently facing—is enough.  When I read that, I was led to ponder on all the ways the person is dealing with consequences of their overall behavior—just as we do.  God loves His children and does deal with all of us. And it is God’s job, and decision, to determine how and when to deal with all of us.  However, the Scripture reminds us that we ought to remember to show this person that we still love them—not just grudgingly forgive them­—but love them, so that they are not overwhelmed by sorrow.  In this Scripture, I am reminded, in Verse 9, that this is the way God tests our obedience as Christians—to see if we will obey His Word and stand for Him.  Verses 10 and 11 remind us that if there is anything to forgive, we do it in the sight of Christ so that Satan cannot outwit us. 

As I pondered the Word for myself, I wondered about the Scripture and how it related to my relationship with this person.  I say I forgive them in my heart, but have I continued to cause this person to feel sorrow?  Have I reaffirmed my love?  I had to think about how I grieve the Spirit of God daily, and how He not only forgives me every single day, but reaffirms His love for me.  I had to remember how many times God answered prayer in times I would not have—times before I repented and got saved; times I had just committed a sin, then turned around and saw God’s grace, even after I made the mistake.  I had to remember those times God forgave me for the same thing, over and over again, with such kindness—even after I got saved and should have known better!

Have I been showing love to this person I claimed to forgive—just because I have been around. or did some favors, or showed generosity?  Or…have I been passive-aggressive in unforgiveness with my snide comments?  Have I been secretly grumbling when I did things for this person? Have I allowed myself to have “flashbacks” of the last bunch of annoyances that may have happened?  Have I been resenting that person for never taking responsibility for things, even when I myself always apologize and strive to do better?

Have I been secretly awaiting God to TEACH THEM A LESSON?!!!

Under the power of the Holy Spirit, I had to admit it.  I have not really forgiven the way I thought I had, nor have I been showing this person the love of God.  I have been making the person feel sorrow.  I have done it in “small” ways—with sarcastic remarks disguised as jokes; in “tiny” references to the past—again disguised as jokes.  Yes, I considered these references and “jokes” to be small, but had to remember Song of Solomon 2:15, when it is written, “Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards that are in bloom (NIV).”

It is the “little foxes”—the small things—that spoil the vineyard God wants to plant in us all!

I also caused them sorrow in the ways I would keep bringing up that they need to confess their sins to God.  God showed me that what I have been really waiting for is for them to confess their sin to me.   It may not have been overt or even obvious.  I may have considered myself doing the job of a Christian, by ministering to them BOLDLY!  I may have truly wanted them to accept Christ as Savior.  However, underneath it all, I have been holding on to bitterness, even when I thought I’d forgiven.  God knows it and so do I.

Thanks be to God for loving us enough to correct us!  So, as always, even as I learn, even as I confess I need the Grace of Jesus Christ to do this, I am led to write about it.  I am led—even as He teaches me—to encourage you all to do the same.  Consider those you think you have forgiven.  Have you been still causing them to feel sorrow?  Have you been showing them the love of Christ?  Or are you always around them, doing things for them, but secretly holding on to the ways they have hurt you, while tricking yourself into believing you have forgiven them and love them? 

Remember God knows our hearts.  Satan also knows how to outwit us.  I thank God we can go to Christ and say, “Lord, I thought I forgave, but I have not.  Please heal me and help me to obey You.  Help me not just to forgive this person, but to show them Your love, so they do not become overwhelmed by their sorrow—just as You have done with me.”

And He will.

Because God promises in Zechariah 4:6, it can be done “…Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit,’ says the Lord Almighty.” 

Thank You, God!

Prayer for today:  Dear Lord, please forgive me for the times I deceived myself into believing I have forgiven____________ when I have not.  Please forgive me for holding on to a root of bitterness, secretly harboring resentments, and allowing the devil to outwit and divide me from Your plan for me.  I pray, Lord, that by Your grace, and by Your Spirit, You will help me to forgive_____________.  Help me to show the love of God so that ____________ will not be overcome by their sorrows.  Use me as a light in their lives, that they may draw close(r) to You.  I thank You, Lord, for the power to forgive as You forgive me.  I thank You, Lord, for the power and grace to love this person.  In Jesus’ Name, I pray.  Amen.