Speak Life, Walk Spirit: A Two-Day Battle with Battling

Scriptures:

Jeremiah 1:4-9 (2-17-14): 

Then the word of the Lord came to me, saying:

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you;

Before you were born I sanctified you;

I ordained you a prophet to the nations.”

Then said I:

“Ah, Lord God!

Behold, I cannot speak, for I am a youth.”

But the Lord said to me:

“Do not say, ‘I am a youth,’

For you shall go to all to whom I send you,

And whatever I command you, you shall speak.

Do not be afraid of their faces,

For I am with you to deliver you,” says the Lord.

Then the Lord put forth His hand and touched my mouth, and the Lord said to me:

“Behold, I have put My words in your mouth.

Galatians 5:16-17 (2-18-14):

I say then: Walk in the Spirit, and you shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh. For the flesh lusts against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; and these are contrary to one another, so that you do not do the things that you wish.

Okay, I’ll admit it.  I still have a bad temper.

I should stop and warn you before I continue.  I write long…I get that.  But this may be longer because it is a Word born out of the circles, and trials, of the last 2 days.  Please bear with me:

As I was saying…after nearly six years of walking with Christ, I can still get really, really…contentious. I have written about this before.  Even after God has been teaching and teaching me.  The victories are more frequent; the failures are less frequent, thank You Lord!  But I still have a temper.  I am not usually the one who starts contentions, but I can be the one who will “finish it!!!”    Even though I was raised to be a fighter, I hate fighting, but once I get started fighting, it is hard for me to stop fighting. 

What I mean is that I do not like to start things with folks because if it starts, it is often difficult for me to walk away—once my anger has flared.  I make it a mission to avoid the issue, in the first place, because when I feel cornered, trapped, attacked, disrespected, unappreciated, or spoken down to, I react.  I have been learning to lean more on God’s supernatural abilities, rather than my natural tendencies, but I am still growing and learning.  Once I react, I can continue to react.   I not only continue to react, but I react more strongly per moment— until the tears flare, the voice shrieks, the fingers point, the neck twists, the words slice, and the truth stings.

Then I feel horrible.  I run back to Christ.  I place my face on the ground.  I weep.  I confess.  I repent.  He forgives.  He comforts.  I worship in awe.  He leads me to a Word.  I read it.  I learn it.  I hold on to it.  I speak it over myself. 

And then Satan shows up again. 

He catches me off guard.  Someone comes to strike.  Usually with the one thing that sets me off.  (That “one thing” changes constantly, but they always know somehow, don’t they?) And I try to leave but they follow me around.  Sometimes, they keep calling back, depending on where they are.  Sometimes, if I don’t pick up the phone, they might show up, simply because they want to finish their point.  When they come at me, I do try to end it, because I am getting warm.  Then warmer.  Then hot.  Then really hot.  Then much too hot!!!

Then it’s a wrap, baby.

I’m off!

So this happened yesterday.  Days ago, I wrote a blog about a person close to me, whom I love, but struggle to get along with on a regular basis.  We are always around one another lately; I can’t cut them off because they are my family.  I try to keep my distance but our circumstances prevent that.  Yet, we set each other off all the time.  I know you understand. Sometimes that happens at home, sometimes at work…sometimes you just have to be around a person for a reason you cannot control.

I’ll admit something else.  I’ve gained a little weight in the past four months.  God has been merciful to me as I transition from one career (which I chose in the flesh) to the next (which is my confirmed purpose by the Spirit).  God has allowed me to work a few months, obtain funds, leave the workforce, take a few months to write, then return to jobs to save again—at least for now.  So, since November, He’s answered my prayers and allowed me—after a time of wilderness and refinement—to take additional time off to work towards getting many projects completed. Since God provided this opportunity, I am at a computer for 10-16 hours a day (I work harder when I am working at home, as a writer/freelancer, then I do as a Mental Health Clinician).  I am trying to get things done before I have to go back to the marketplace to earn—just in case I cannot become the bestselling author this time.  Since I am at home—working on this career ministry, chipping away at the insurmountable odds, step-by-step, as led by the Spirit—I am no longer in the hustle and bustle of the NYC-based daily grind.  I am not running, running, running—up and down subways steps, on buses, or having to park three city blocks away, only to be running again, just to make my appointment on time.  I am not grabbing a quick bite as I run, run, run!  That is, if I even get to eat, at all, on the run!  Now, I am at home, on the computer, not really moving as much.  I would exercise more, but what about the story I have to get down, before the scene evaporates from my mind?  It’s only one chapter…let me do the chapter, then I will put in the Zumba tape—only it isn’t one chapter, because the Spirit—through the character—led me from one scene to the next, until it becomes four chapters, and ten hours.  Okay, I should exercise now—at 8 pm—only…humph! Even after asking God for strength, boy am I exhausted! 

Hmmmm.  I put in ten hours of writing—even while being there for my mom, the foster kids…and whoever happens to be around to test me again today.  Time to play Candy Crack Saga.  I am going to beat Level 107 this time, too!

When I am out of Manhattan, I am in Westchester County, driving to the nearest store instead of walking (it is winter!!!).  Shoot, in this weather, I’ll drive to the nearest curb!  Not to mention the little recent health issue that required meds that caused a little more fluff in my stuff.

So, yeah, I’ve gained some weight.

What in the world does this have to do with anything?  I’ll tell ya.  So yesterday, I was talking to this beloved—but rivaled—family member—very casually—about a skirt.  I like to be myself—bohemian style and all.  However, every now and then, I will ask an opinion of someone.  Since she happened to be around, that was my intention.  All I wanted was to get an opinion about a skirt—no more, no less.  In spite of our struggles, I figured a conversation about a skirt was innocent enough.  Somehow that turned into the devil’s playground.

What did I say, you ask? 

I said, “Do you think I could wear this skirt with a yellow sweater?  Or…hmmm…should I just wear it with off-white instead?  It’s so colorful.”

The answer I got was, “It’s nice.  Yeah, it’s got a lot of colors, though.  I think off-white is better because with yellow, it could be too…much.  Especially in the winter.  If it was spring or summer, fine, but now, yellow would be so bright.  Just wear it with your off-white sweater, and some brown boots, to tone it down some.”

I nod.  “Yeah, I was thinking that too.  I am going to wear this tomorrow night for church.  It’s supposed to snow.  It’s really for fall, but since it’s lined, and long, I can wear it with some leggings underneath to keep warm.”

“Yeah, that will be good,” she agreed.

My response to that was: “Yeah, thanks.  I forgot I had it.  It was too big, for so long, but it fits now, ‘cause—”

“Yeah, ‘cause you gained weight!  You really need to do something about your stomach.  It’s getting big.”

I snorted, even though I was getting warm.  Immediately. 

What does this have to do with a skirt?  Even if it is true, why say this now?  Like I don’t know I’ve gained some weight.  Does she really think I don’t know that?

Those were the words exploding in my head.

“Well, I know that,” I responded, breathing and blinking.  “But, I came to ask your opinion about a skirt.  I know I need to lose weight.  Matter of fact, I just ordered the Nutribullet to start juicing right away again.  I am going back to juicing morning and night, with one meal midday, and yogurt as a snack.  It helped!”  Getting hotter.  Why did she say that to me????  “Besides, I don’t point out your weight gain or your stomach.  You went from 8 to 12, I went from 10 to 14.  We both gained weight, but I don’t point out yours left and right.  But anyway, I’m going.  I just wanted your opinion about the skirt.  Thanks.  Peace out.  See you later.”

I turned. 

Keep walking, Vacirca. 

I could hear my heart pounding.

“Why you got an attitude?  I’m just trying to help you!” she continued.  “I mean, I’m older than you and have been married already.  At least I have kids.  You’re younger and won’t get married like that!  I am trying to help you.”

Help me?  I seethed.  Keep walking.  Just keep walking.

I reach the steps.

“There she goes! Getting mad!  I’m just trying to tell her to do something, so she don’t end up alone,” she yelled.  “Letting herself get so big!”

It’s a wrap, baby.  I’m off!

Here is where I went wrong.

I turned back around.

I stomped back over to her, and began to respond.

“Help me?” I groused.  “Help me?  You call that help?  First of all, I came to ask about a skirt.  There is a time and a place for everything.  What does this skirt have to do with my needing to lose weight?  And do you really think I don’t know?  Like I am blind?  Like I ain’t naked, when I shower, then dry my naked body?  Like I need you to tell me?  And why are you saying I can’t get married?  Who are you to say that?  You’re not God! Yes, you got married, but you’re also divorced!  You got divorced when you were still slim!  What does that tell you?”

At least I think that is what I said.  To be honest, I am not even sure it went exactly that way, either—I was so mad!  I don’t want to add or exaggerate, but I couldn’t really hear with my heart pounding and our voices yelling and my body shaking and her finger pointing…

But off we went into an hour-long war. 

What I could finally hear was Satan cheering, with his little minions, in the background—when it was all said and done!

An hour after that disagreement—which was born out of a conversation about a skirt—I realized that it was not the fact that I was angry.  As a Christian, the Lord showed me that I am allowed to feel anger, dismay, frustration, disappointment, or even cheated.  The problem is in my response.   First, I should have simply fled.  The Bible tells us, in many Scriptures, to simply “flee.”  When the Lord isn’t telling us to “flee,” He is telling us to “avoid” the evil.  God tells us to flee from evil (1 Thessalonians 5:22).  God also tells us to avoid foolish arguments, and instruct gently, so others may escape the snare of the devil, who has taken them captive to do his will, so that they may come to repentance (2 Timothy 2:23-25).  God even tells us we can be angry, but must avoid doing evil while angry in Ephesians 4:26.

And not only do I understand all that, I agree with Him.  Yet, there I was, responding with harsh words that stirred up anger, as opposed to a soft answer that turns away wrath—as God instructs in Proverbs 15:1. 

As always, I turned back to the Lord.  My first words were, “Lord, please forgive me.  I did it again with her!  I did it again.”

After the tears, repenting, and worship over God’s never-ending patience, as well as His gift of salvation through Jesus Christ, (thank You, so much, Jesus!), I had to ask Him. 

I said, “Lord?  It’s not working.  Something isn’t working.  You command me to remain in relationship with this person.  I know You are not allowing me to be distant; You are refining my character, and teaching me how to love.  Yet, I keep succumbing to Satan’s attacks and jabs through the person.  I also keep succumbing to my own flesh!  I always respond.  I try not to respond, but I always respond!  Please, tell me why I keep failing?  Why can’t I flee these arguments?”

After a series of praying, I realized that yes, there are times when I am called to flee and avoid.  Other times, as a Christian, I am allowed to respond—when the Lord leads me to do so.  And when I do, I should not respond in the flesh.  I need to respond with the Word of God.  How do I know?  First, the Lord reminded me of the Scripture about Jesus’ time in the wilderness found in Matthew 4:1-11.  During that time, Jesus was tested three times by Satan himself.  Each and every time, Jesus did not flee—which He has been known to do at times in the Scriptures.  Instead, He chose to give a response.  Each time Satan tested Jesus, Jesus responded with, “It is written…”  He may have been exhausted, starving, and nearly to the point of fainting, but Jesus never allowed Himself to call down the powers of Heaven, or defend Himself, or rise to the challenge.  Each time, Jesus would begin a response with, “It is written…”

Each time Jesus was unfairly questioned or accused by the Sadduccees or Pharisees, Jesus would respond, “For God commanded saying…” (Matthew 15:4); or “Is it not written in the Law…?” (John 10:34).  Jesus went as far as pointing the Sadduccees back to the Scriptures, by informing them that they “…are mistaken, not knowing the Scriptures nor the power of God” (Matthew 22:29).  Rather than fight over the Scriptures, He gently let them know they did not know them…which invited them to learn it for themselves.  Jesus even went on to say, “Not what goes into the mouth defiles a man; but what comes out of the mouth, this defiles a man” (Matthew 15:11). 

Ahh!  So I learned that the issue is not always about having to flee, because sometimes you may not be called, necessarily, to flee.  What matters is the response that is led by the Spirit.  If the Spirit leads you to flee, we must obey—something I am still learning to do, more and more, over time.  But when the Spirit leads us to respond, we must respond His way.

And how does the Spirit respond in times of conflict, accusation, insult, temptation, or betrayal? 

He does so by speaking the Word of God.

After a series of Scriptures, an older sermon by Pastor Joseph Prince, and memories, I realized the Lord was confirming for me that I needed to learn how to respond—when I should respond—by speaking His Word to the situation.

Of course, He knew and I knew that when I am getting hot!!!, I am not thinking about the Word of God.  Not only does God know it, and I know it, but the devil knows it.  It’s why he has gotten me much more frequently than he should!  And what the devil doesn’t do, my flesh does all on its own.

I had to stop and ask the Lord.  “Lord how do we speak the Word of God in a tough situation?  I want learn, first, when to flee and when to respond.  And when I respond, I need to learn to respond the way Jesus would.  How can I, someone who is so weak in this area, learn to do that?”

That is when God took me to Jeremiah 1:

After I took a look, I realized that God was preparing to send Jeremiah out into the world as a Prophet—a key witness to the Law and Power of God.  He told Jeremiah “Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you; Before you were born, I sanctified you” (verse 5).  Isn’t that what God—through Jesus Christ—did with all of us, who are called according to His purpose?  We may not all hold the calling of Prophet, but we were all chosen, and foreordained, to be His children and His witness.  We were all ordained to follow Christ before the beginning of time (Ephesians 1:4; 2 Thessalonians 2:13). 

Jeremiah, when informed of his purpose, immediately raised an argument about why he wasn’t able to do it.  He said to God, “Behold, I cannot speak for I am a youth (verse 6).

And as God reminded me of this truth about myself—using the call on Jeremiah—that I often say the same thing that Jeremiah said!  Many times, God has told me to do something or respond a certain way and my answer is, “But God, I clearly am not mature enough, because I keep doing the same thing, over and over! I can never be a witness to [this person].”

What was God’s response?  ““Do not say, ‘I am a youth,’ for you shall go to all to whom I send you, and whatever I command you, you shall speak” (verse 7).  Then God proved His truth because right after He told Jeremiah to speak what He commands, He put forth His hand and touched Jeremiah’s mouth. God then went on to say, “Behold, I have put My words in your mouth” (verse 9). 

For the umpteenth time, the Lord reminded me that He is the One Who equips us to do what He calls us to do.  So, I prayed.  And prayed.  I begged the Lord, by the power of the Holy Spirit, to not only cause me to learn the Word, but to speak the Word.  He’s spent the last two years teaching me to read the Word, not just for my own growth in Christ, but also so I could be used to write the Word—in the fiction and nonfiction pieces He’s been giving me.  I saw that I needed now to learn how to speak the Word in every situation.  As a woman in prayer ministry, I’ve also learned to speak the Scriptures in prayer, claiming the promises of the Lord for a situation—for myself and others.  I never really learned to speak the Scriptures in conflict or during temptations—as Jesus teaches us, over and over, in the New Testament.

Even though the Word tells us in 2 Timothy 2 to “gently instruct” it finally dawned on me that this Scripture is talking about speaking the Word of God to the person, rather than getting in foolish arguments with them. 

I finally got it!  I finally got the answer to how to stop responding in the flesh.  I left my time with the Lord confident, very confident that I would be able to handle the next issue with someone.  Yes!  I would speak the Word in the face of the enemy, who is using people to test me!  That’s it.

Thank You, Lord!

Question is:  did I learn my lesson after all that yesterday? 

Nope.

Because by the end of yesterday evening, I found myself in round two of the same argument. 

How that happened?  I am not sure.

This is why I needed a second round in the battle in prayer.

I went right back to God.

“You told me what to do, how to do it, and Whom would do it.  Yet, I got right back into the same nonsense, Lord?  I failed!”

But He led me to Galatians 5.  In Verses 16 and 17, The Lord provided the answer.  He reminded me that I needed to, “…walk in the Spirit, and you shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh. For the flesh lusts against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; and these are contrary to one another, so that you do not do the things that you wish.”

There is no way to win this battle if I try to do it in my own flesh.  I got a Word from the Lord about how to respond without engaging in conflict.  I also learned what to do while in conflict, in order to avoid sin.  I am to speak the Word of God, in the situation, as much as possible—as Jesus modeled for us all, time and time again.  As soon as I got the Word to edify me, I decided I would have it all under control.  That is exactly how the enemy, along with my own flesh, not only got me again—in the same day—but got me in the exact same way! 

I had to go back, led by the Spirit, to ask Him for Him to give me a fresh touch, a fresh anointing, to walk in His ways.  I had to ask Him to give me the power to walk in the Spirit, all over again.

Yes, I have read this before and I have prayed this before.  Sometimes, the issue is resolved instantaneously.  Other times, it is an ongoing process.  Regardless of how God chooses to deliver us, I know that if I obey and rely on Him—rather than myself—He will get the glory.

I know I can’t!

And next time this person I love—who bugs me—tells me I’m getting fat, the Spirit of God will lead me to respond by speaking the Words of Ecclesiastes 3:11.  Rather than defending myself, lashing out, or using words to hurt back, by the grace of God, in the power of the Holy Spirit, I will respond, “It is written that God makes ‘everything beautiful in its time!’”  

Prayer for Today (and the next several days!): 

Father, I thank You that I can come to You, even when I stumble.  I thank You that through Jesus Christ, I can approach Your throne.  I confess that I have stumbled again, Lord, in my anger.  I ask You for forgiveness of my sin.  I pray Lord for You to take this evil and turn it around for my good—and for Your glory.  By the power of the Holy Spirit, I ask to walk in the Spirit.  I ask to live by the Spirit.  I ask, again, for a fresh anointing and baptism of the Holy Spirit.  I am back at the Cross of Christ, asking for mercy.  I also ask, Lord, that when I am confronted with conflict, that You give me Your wisdom.  I ask that You let me know, each time, when to flee and when to respond.  I come against the powers of Satan that seek to derail my witness, Lord!  I command every mountain that stands in the path of my deliverance to melt like wax, in the Name of Jesus!  No weapon formed against me shall prosper.  In Your presence, Lord, my flesh cannot thrive!  I also ask that You give me the Word to use in my response.  I ask that the Holy Spirit fill my mouth with Your Word, each and every time, so that I would not sin in my anger, and so that the other person may have a response that leads them to You as well.  Please grant me the power to speak the Word of God in every situation—not just in prayer, as I claim Your promises, but in every situation.  Help me, Lord, to speak life and walk in the spirit.  In Jesus’ Name, I pray.  Amen.  Thank You, Lord.

God Loves a Cheerful Giver--Is that you?

Scripture:  2 Corinthians 9:1-8

Administering the Gift

9 Now concerning the ministering to the saints, it is superfluous for me to write to you; ² for I know your willingness, about which I boast of you to the Macedonians, that Achaia was ready a year ago; and your zeal has stirred up the majority. ³ Yet I have sent the brethren, lest our boasting of you should be in vain in this respect, that, as I said, you may be ready; ⁴ lest if some Macedonians come with me and find you unprepared, we (not to mention you!) should be ashamed of this confident boasting. ⁵ Therefore I thought it necessary to exhort the brethren to go to you ahead of time, and prepare your generous gift beforehand, which you had previously promised, that it may be ready as a matter of generosity and not as a grudging obligation.

The Cheerful Giver

⁶ But this I say: He who sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and he who sows bountifully will also reap bountifully. ⁷ So let each one give as he purposes in his heart, not grudgingly or of necessity; for God loves a cheerful giver. ⁸ And God is able to make all grace abound toward you, that you, always having all sufficiency in all things, may have an abundance for every good work.

As is sometimes the case, as I receive a Word for myself, I am led to share with others.  Today is the day the Lord decided to speak to me about giving.

 

See, I am often offering—sometimes promising—the Lord something.  Often, it is due to a sense of excitement based on something I see someone else doing.  For example, I may go to an anointed worship concert—led by an amazing worship leader—and find myself wanting to write songs that I know is going to be used to bless people in worship.  Never mind that I do not sing.  I may see the enthusiasm, someone else has, as they serve the homeless hot meals on Saturday night.  Watching them, I may find myself feeling as though I need to do more to feed the homeless.  It’s not that I am a follower, believe me.  Many will say I am bit strange, in fact.  I’ve always been a loner (sometimes willingly, sometimes unwillingly).  I’ve always been a bit different in my style of dress—when everyone in my life was getting waist-length weaves, I was chopping off my processed hair and locking it—much to the dismay of my mother.  When my friends were listening to rapper L’il Kim and Foxy Brown, and decided to dress as they did—wearing all the labels their little checks could afford them—I found myself evolving into the bohemian, Afrocentric type—complete with long skirts, African head wraps, and facial piercings.  They were Lil Kim; I was Erykah Badu.  I was every bit the “Ethnocultural Feminist Spoken Word Artist” in the 1990s! Thank God for evolving me out of all of that mess. 

Tangent, I know.  I just want to illustrate that I am not a follower, is all. 

Anyway, what I am talking about is not about “following” but “zeal.”  I, as a Christian, will sometimes become inspired by what others are doing.  As a result, I may be excited about wanting to do it as well.  Next thing I know, I am telling the Lord that I will also start making more effort to feed the homeless; to write songs of worship; or even write that Christian play, for the youth ministry, that I've been thinking about for five years.

That is what one of the first pastors, Paul, is addressing in the Church of Corinth.  In the scripture above, Paul is addressing the initial eagerness of the church members that fell flat.  When the Corinthians first heard the Gospel, they became so filled with zeal, so eager to please, that they began to boast and make promises to begin a ministry of fundraising.  They were so eager, in fact, that Paul—as their first real spiritual leader—began boasting about the members of the Corinthian Church to other developing churches, including the Church at Macedonia.  Yes, Paul was so very proud of the Corinthians for being willing, for making such promises to assist in fundraising efforts…

Except they never actually followed through!

In this passage, we see that Paul had to use a little reverse psychology to stir up the Corinthians’ zeal and eagerness.  He had to remind them of how they’d been at the beginning of their walk with Christ.  He had to remind them that they had, as new Christians, pledged to begin working for the Lord with the fundraising ministry they’d promised.  He even had to remind them that as Christians, they needed to beware of the possibility that members of the Macedonian Church could arrive in Corinth and find [them] unprepared.  Of course, that would cause both Paul and the Corinthians to be ashamed—embarrassed—of their “confident boasting” (vs. 4).  After all, should Christians make promises and not keep them?  Paul goes on to remind the Corinthians that their pledge to give—in this case through fundraising—was a matter of generosity and not grudging obligation (vs. 5).  In verses 6-8, Paul reminds the members of the Corinthian Church that they will reap what they sow (vs. 6), and that God expects us to give back to Him—and His people—out of a willing heart (vs. 7).  Lastly, Paul reminds us, in verse 8, that the result of “cheerful giving” will be that God will cause “all grace to abound” towards the members of the Corinthian Church.

The Lord ministered to me this morning.   He reminded me, as I am reminding you, that we harvest in exact proportion to what we plant.  The law of reaping and sowing is God’s perfect will.  We ought to give according to what is purposed in our heart to give.  I believe when Paul says to give what is in our heart to give, he is not only speaking of a decision we make.  I believe Paul is speaking of the decision God has already made, and has planted in our heart to do.  Now, sometimes it has to be a private “decision”—that is left between you and God—at least at first.  I believe that because many believers will only give of themselves—whether in service or with finances—when they are sure they will receive validation in return.

Now, I am not trying to be a hypocrite here.  I am aware that some types of Godly “giving” or ministry efforts (which is also giving) will involve some form of validation, and encouragement, from other members of God’s Kingdom.  A pastor, for example, will share a Word from the Lord, and will ask for a witness, or for someone to agree (Amen?).  A worship leader will want to see how the worship is impacting the brethren.  It wouldn’t do for that leader to be singing songs to the Lord, only to find a bunch of dead logs in the pews, giving the choir pinched looks.  And a Christian writer (“ahem”), one may want to know that the story or blog post, he or she may have been led to write, did lead someone to Christ.  However, validation should not be the reason you decide to give—whether it be of your finances, your talents, or gifts that the Lord gave you to use for His glory.  If validation is the reason, your ministry giving will not last a moment—believe me!  Someone will always show up with negative feedback or a supposed “word from the Lord that you are headed in the wrong direction” that is a counterfeit from the devil himself!   Validation or success cannot be your expectation—even if the Lord does choose to bless you with that to encourage you or financially provide for you.

When you think of giving—with finances or service—remember you’re not really “giving” at all.  It is God who first provided the money, the singing voice, the ability to cook, the car, or the gift of healing hands.  What you’re really doing—if you stop and consider the Lord’s grace and power—is simply sharing what He gave you to use.  If you are simply sharing your gift or resources—are you really giving up anything?  No!  Why?  

"’Cause it don’t really belong to you, no way! It all belongs to God!”

As I speak to those the Spirit of Jesus has led to read this blog, I will be praying about God’s desires for me to give in additional ways.  Don’t think He’s impressed by my writing a couple of amateur romance novels—“hardy har har.”  The Lord is often leading me into new territories—the ones I once said I felt led to do; and especially the ones I don’t really want to do!  Pray for me as I seek the Lord about how we wants to use me not only as a writer, but with the ministry He gave me first--prayer ministry and evangelism.  I had a vision of it years ago, but am just now going to work towards it.  I may have forgotten what I told God—but He does not! 

So my question to you is this:  is there anything the Lord has been placing on your heart to give?  Perhaps it was something you were once so eager to give—especially when you first got to know Jesus Christ as Savior and were full of zeal?  Perhaps it was something you felt inspired to do,or give, when God used someone else as an example to you—as Paul used the Corinthian Church as an example to the Macedonian Church.

Alright, lemme keep it real.  Perhaps it is something that you don’t want to do, but nonetheless, God has placed the burden on your heart to do it anyway—for His purpose.

What is in your heart to give right now?  Remember, the Lord loves a cheerful giver.  If there is something the Lord is leading you to do or give, ask the Holy Spirit to restore that vision in your heart, so you can be put to good use.  It’s one thing to encourage and support others in their giving, but God has a unique purpose for you as well.  Remember, you won’t be giving up anything; you’ll be merely sharing what God has already provided—or is developing within you—for the specific purpose of bringing glory to the Name of Jesus.  And that same God will make “all grace abound towards you” as we see in verse 8.  You will receive—one way or another—the unmerited favor of God.  It may not be right away, or in the way you thought, but God keeps His promises. 

Prayer for Today:  Father in Heaven, I thank You for Your Gift of Salvation through Jesus Christ.  I thank You for the indwelling and baptism of the Holy Spirit.  I thank You for the gifts and resources You have placed in my hands for Your glory.  I confess that I may have started out with zeal, but I have failed to follow through with, or obey, the call You have placed in my heart.  I ask Your forgiveness for not making use of Your gifts in obedience.  I ask You now, Lord, for a fresh Baptism of the Holy Spirit.  I ask that You stir up my gifts, and resources, that may be put to Your use, for Your glory.  Jesus, I ask that You confirm Your call on my life, so that I may give what You desire me to give and fulfill my purpose.  I will trust You to equip me, to provide for me, and to make all grace abound towards me as I fulfill Your purpose for my life as a Christian.  Please use me and help me to be a cheerful giver in Your way—not for personal validation and success, although You may choose to provide that to me.  If success comes, cause me to give that back to You, for Your purpose, as well.  Please use me for Your glory.  In Jesus’  Name, thank You, amen.

The Sorrow of Secret Unforgiveness

Scripture: 2 Corinthians 2:5-11:

5 If anyone has caused grief, he has not so much grieved me as he has grieved all of you to some extent—not to put it too severely. 6 The punishment inflicted on him by the majority is sufficient. 7 Now instead, you ought to forgive and comfort him, so that he will not be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. 8 I urge you, therefore, to reaffirm your love for him. 9 Another reason I wrote you was to see if you would stand the test and be obedient in everything. 10 Anyone you forgive, I also forgive. And what I have forgiven—if there was anything to forgive—I have forgiven in the sight of Christ for your sake, 11 in order that Satan might not outwit us. For we are not unaware of his schemes (NIV).

For many of us, as Christians, it is easy to accept the forgiveness of Christ.  It is not so easy to forgive others, as commanded.  What’s even worse, it is easy for many of us to think we have forgiven someone, but to do and say things that really are not rooted in forgiveness at all.

I learned this fact, just this morning—again! 

The Lord woke me up this morning, and as soon as I opened my eyes, I began rejoicing.  I was still basking, in God’s glory, after a wonderful church service.  I had gone, the night before, to prayer service at my home church—The Times Square Church in Manhattan.  I felt great.  And I woke up feeling joy.  I checked in with family, and then came back to my prayer closet for my daily prayer time with Dad-in-Heaven.  

As soon as I began our time of prayer, God led me to this Scripture--2 Corinthians 2:5-11.  Then I felt Him place a person in my heart.  

Before I continue, I want to ask you all:  Is there someone in your life that you love, who makes it sometimes miserable to love them?  Is there someone that is in your life, that you strive to be around, but it is hard because of their negativity, bitterness, and pride?  Even worse, is there someone you love, whom you often apologize to when there is conflict or mishaps, but have yet to hear them own up to their mistakes—even once? 

Is this person a parent? A spouse? A sibling? A close friend you’ve had for years that you won’t give up on?  How about another relative—like that aunt who helped raise you or the cousin with whom you were raised?  Regardless, it is a person that you cannot easily give up on, because of the role God has chosen for them to play in your life.  Yet, loving them is the very cross you must bear, at times.  Do you know anyone like that?

Well, that is the person God placed on my heart this morning.  This person is a person I do love.  They have been there for me, sure— but not without the price of ups-and-downs, bickering, and often down-right negativity.  There have been moments of betrayal (intentional or unintentional); there have been moments of abandonment; there have been moments of selfishness; they have been episodes of use, misuse, and abuse!  Regardless if it was intentional or unintentional, there has been a lot of water under the bridge—a bridge that is barely holding up.  

There have been a lot of hurts between this person and me.  However, because we are family, I strive to maintain this relationship.  What choice does one have?  One cannot choose their sister, or their aunt, or their dad, or their child, or their mother-in-law.  If God saw fit to connect you to such a person, by blood or marriage, there is nothing you can do to choose otherwise.  You love them because of who they are in your life—even if you don’t particularly like them, or enjoy how they’ve turned out.  You may keep a safe distance, but you cannot easily walk away—especially if the Lord refuses for you to do so.  It can be even more difficult when they are not saved and they mock the One you love the most—the Lord God. 

As you can guess by now, I have a lot of issues regarding what this person—who is still unsaved—has done.   As I thought about this person, I felt the Spirit of God place another question in my heart.  “Can you forgive?”

I was floored because I thought I have forgiven this person—time and time again, in fact!  Me being me, I wouldn’t have even sneezed in their direction if I had not.  After all, I have been there for them when they needed me, as much as possible.  I’ve swallowed the anger, the disappointments, the pain.  I have even repented and apologized for the mistakes I’ve made (either as offense or defense) in this relationship.  I have been spending time with this person.  Of course, I have forgiven this person!!!

At least I thought so, until God Himself led me to the Scripture this morning.   In Second Corinthians, Chapter 2, Verses 5-11, we see Paul telling the church that if a brother has sinned—has caused us grief—we ought not just to forgive him, but we ought to remember that the punishment that person has faced—or is currently facing—is enough.  When I read that, I was led to ponder on all the ways the person is dealing with consequences of their overall behavior—just as we do.  God loves His children and does deal with all of us. And it is God’s job, and decision, to determine how and when to deal with all of us.  However, the Scripture reminds us that we ought to remember to show this person that we still love them—not just grudgingly forgive them­—but love them, so that they are not overwhelmed by sorrow.  In this Scripture, I am reminded, in Verse 9, that this is the way God tests our obedience as Christians—to see if we will obey His Word and stand for Him.  Verses 10 and 11 remind us that if there is anything to forgive, we do it in the sight of Christ so that Satan cannot outwit us. 

As I pondered the Word for myself, I wondered about the Scripture and how it related to my relationship with this person.  I say I forgive them in my heart, but have I continued to cause this person to feel sorrow?  Have I reaffirmed my love?  I had to think about how I grieve the Spirit of God daily, and how He not only forgives me every single day, but reaffirms His love for me.  I had to remember how many times God answered prayer in times I would not have—times before I repented and got saved; times I had just committed a sin, then turned around and saw God’s grace, even after I made the mistake.  I had to remember those times God forgave me for the same thing, over and over again, with such kindness—even after I got saved and should have known better!

Have I been showing love to this person I claimed to forgive—just because I have been around. or did some favors, or showed generosity?  Or…have I been passive-aggressive in unforgiveness with my snide comments?  Have I been secretly grumbling when I did things for this person? Have I allowed myself to have “flashbacks” of the last bunch of annoyances that may have happened?  Have I been resenting that person for never taking responsibility for things, even when I myself always apologize and strive to do better?

Have I been secretly awaiting God to TEACH THEM A LESSON?!!!

Under the power of the Holy Spirit, I had to admit it.  I have not really forgiven the way I thought I had, nor have I been showing this person the love of God.  I have been making the person feel sorrow.  I have done it in “small” ways—with sarcastic remarks disguised as jokes; in “tiny” references to the past—again disguised as jokes.  Yes, I considered these references and “jokes” to be small, but had to remember Song of Solomon 2:15, when it is written, “Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards that are in bloom (NIV).”

It is the “little foxes”—the small things—that spoil the vineyard God wants to plant in us all!

I also caused them sorrow in the ways I would keep bringing up that they need to confess their sins to God.  God showed me that what I have been really waiting for is for them to confess their sin to me.   It may not have been overt or even obvious.  I may have considered myself doing the job of a Christian, by ministering to them BOLDLY!  I may have truly wanted them to accept Christ as Savior.  However, underneath it all, I have been holding on to bitterness, even when I thought I’d forgiven.  God knows it and so do I.

Thanks be to God for loving us enough to correct us!  So, as always, even as I learn, even as I confess I need the Grace of Jesus Christ to do this, I am led to write about it.  I am led—even as He teaches me—to encourage you all to do the same.  Consider those you think you have forgiven.  Have you been still causing them to feel sorrow?  Have you been showing them the love of Christ?  Or are you always around them, doing things for them, but secretly holding on to the ways they have hurt you, while tricking yourself into believing you have forgiven them and love them? 

Remember God knows our hearts.  Satan also knows how to outwit us.  I thank God we can go to Christ and say, “Lord, I thought I forgave, but I have not.  Please heal me and help me to obey You.  Help me not just to forgive this person, but to show them Your love, so they do not become overwhelmed by their sorrow—just as You have done with me.”

And He will.

Because God promises in Zechariah 4:6, it can be done “…Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit,’ says the Lord Almighty.” 

Thank You, God!

Prayer for today:  Dear Lord, please forgive me for the times I deceived myself into believing I have forgiven____________ when I have not.  Please forgive me for holding on to a root of bitterness, secretly harboring resentments, and allowing the devil to outwit and divide me from Your plan for me.  I pray, Lord, that by Your grace, and by Your Spirit, You will help me to forgive_____________.  Help me to show the love of God so that ____________ will not be overcome by their sorrows.  Use me as a light in their lives, that they may draw close(r) to You.  I thank You, Lord, for the power to forgive as You forgive me.  I thank You, Lord, for the power and grace to love this person.  In Jesus’ Name, I pray.  Amen.