Speak Life, Walk Spirit: A Two-Day Battle with Battling

Scriptures:

Jeremiah 1:4-9 (2-17-14): 

Then the word of the Lord came to me, saying:

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you;

Before you were born I sanctified you;

I ordained you a prophet to the nations.”

Then said I:

“Ah, Lord God!

Behold, I cannot speak, for I am a youth.”

But the Lord said to me:

“Do not say, ‘I am a youth,’

For you shall go to all to whom I send you,

And whatever I command you, you shall speak.

Do not be afraid of their faces,

For I am with you to deliver you,” says the Lord.

Then the Lord put forth His hand and touched my mouth, and the Lord said to me:

“Behold, I have put My words in your mouth.

Galatians 5:16-17 (2-18-14):

I say then: Walk in the Spirit, and you shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh. For the flesh lusts against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; and these are contrary to one another, so that you do not do the things that you wish.

Okay, I’ll admit it.  I still have a bad temper.

I should stop and warn you before I continue.  I write long…I get that.  But this may be longer because it is a Word born out of the circles, and trials, of the last 2 days.  Please bear with me:

As I was saying…after nearly six years of walking with Christ, I can still get really, really…contentious. I have written about this before.  Even after God has been teaching and teaching me.  The victories are more frequent; the failures are less frequent, thank You Lord!  But I still have a temper.  I am not usually the one who starts contentions, but I can be the one who will “finish it!!!”    Even though I was raised to be a fighter, I hate fighting, but once I get started fighting, it is hard for me to stop fighting. 

What I mean is that I do not like to start things with folks because if it starts, it is often difficult for me to walk away—once my anger has flared.  I make it a mission to avoid the issue, in the first place, because when I feel cornered, trapped, attacked, disrespected, unappreciated, or spoken down to, I react.  I have been learning to lean more on God’s supernatural abilities, rather than my natural tendencies, but I am still growing and learning.  Once I react, I can continue to react.   I not only continue to react, but I react more strongly per moment— until the tears flare, the voice shrieks, the fingers point, the neck twists, the words slice, and the truth stings.

Then I feel horrible.  I run back to Christ.  I place my face on the ground.  I weep.  I confess.  I repent.  He forgives.  He comforts.  I worship in awe.  He leads me to a Word.  I read it.  I learn it.  I hold on to it.  I speak it over myself. 

And then Satan shows up again. 

He catches me off guard.  Someone comes to strike.  Usually with the one thing that sets me off.  (That “one thing” changes constantly, but they always know somehow, don’t they?) And I try to leave but they follow me around.  Sometimes, they keep calling back, depending on where they are.  Sometimes, if I don’t pick up the phone, they might show up, simply because they want to finish their point.  When they come at me, I do try to end it, because I am getting warm.  Then warmer.  Then hot.  Then really hot.  Then much too hot!!!

Then it’s a wrap, baby.

I’m off!

So this happened yesterday.  Days ago, I wrote a blog about a person close to me, whom I love, but struggle to get along with on a regular basis.  We are always around one another lately; I can’t cut them off because they are my family.  I try to keep my distance but our circumstances prevent that.  Yet, we set each other off all the time.  I know you understand. Sometimes that happens at home, sometimes at work…sometimes you just have to be around a person for a reason you cannot control.

I’ll admit something else.  I’ve gained a little weight in the past four months.  God has been merciful to me as I transition from one career (which I chose in the flesh) to the next (which is my confirmed purpose by the Spirit).  God has allowed me to work a few months, obtain funds, leave the workforce, take a few months to write, then return to jobs to save again—at least for now.  So, since November, He’s answered my prayers and allowed me—after a time of wilderness and refinement—to take additional time off to work towards getting many projects completed. Since God provided this opportunity, I am at a computer for 10-16 hours a day (I work harder when I am working at home, as a writer/freelancer, then I do as a Mental Health Clinician).  I am trying to get things done before I have to go back to the marketplace to earn—just in case I cannot become the bestselling author this time.  Since I am at home—working on this career ministry, chipping away at the insurmountable odds, step-by-step, as led by the Spirit—I am no longer in the hustle and bustle of the NYC-based daily grind.  I am not running, running, running—up and down subways steps, on buses, or having to park three city blocks away, only to be running again, just to make my appointment on time.  I am not grabbing a quick bite as I run, run, run!  That is, if I even get to eat, at all, on the run!  Now, I am at home, on the computer, not really moving as much.  I would exercise more, but what about the story I have to get down, before the scene evaporates from my mind?  It’s only one chapter…let me do the chapter, then I will put in the Zumba tape—only it isn’t one chapter, because the Spirit—through the character—led me from one scene to the next, until it becomes four chapters, and ten hours.  Okay, I should exercise now—at 8 pm—only…humph! Even after asking God for strength, boy am I exhausted! 

Hmmmm.  I put in ten hours of writing—even while being there for my mom, the foster kids…and whoever happens to be around to test me again today.  Time to play Candy Crack Saga.  I am going to beat Level 107 this time, too!

When I am out of Manhattan, I am in Westchester County, driving to the nearest store instead of walking (it is winter!!!).  Shoot, in this weather, I’ll drive to the nearest curb!  Not to mention the little recent health issue that required meds that caused a little more fluff in my stuff.

So, yeah, I’ve gained some weight.

What in the world does this have to do with anything?  I’ll tell ya.  So yesterday, I was talking to this beloved—but rivaled—family member—very casually—about a skirt.  I like to be myself—bohemian style and all.  However, every now and then, I will ask an opinion of someone.  Since she happened to be around, that was my intention.  All I wanted was to get an opinion about a skirt—no more, no less.  In spite of our struggles, I figured a conversation about a skirt was innocent enough.  Somehow that turned into the devil’s playground.

What did I say, you ask? 

I said, “Do you think I could wear this skirt with a yellow sweater?  Or…hmmm…should I just wear it with off-white instead?  It’s so colorful.”

The answer I got was, “It’s nice.  Yeah, it’s got a lot of colors, though.  I think off-white is better because with yellow, it could be too…much.  Especially in the winter.  If it was spring or summer, fine, but now, yellow would be so bright.  Just wear it with your off-white sweater, and some brown boots, to tone it down some.”

I nod.  “Yeah, I was thinking that too.  I am going to wear this tomorrow night for church.  It’s supposed to snow.  It’s really for fall, but since it’s lined, and long, I can wear it with some leggings underneath to keep warm.”

“Yeah, that will be good,” she agreed.

My response to that was: “Yeah, thanks.  I forgot I had it.  It was too big, for so long, but it fits now, ‘cause—”

“Yeah, ‘cause you gained weight!  You really need to do something about your stomach.  It’s getting big.”

I snorted, even though I was getting warm.  Immediately. 

What does this have to do with a skirt?  Even if it is true, why say this now?  Like I don’t know I’ve gained some weight.  Does she really think I don’t know that?

Those were the words exploding in my head.

“Well, I know that,” I responded, breathing and blinking.  “But, I came to ask your opinion about a skirt.  I know I need to lose weight.  Matter of fact, I just ordered the Nutribullet to start juicing right away again.  I am going back to juicing morning and night, with one meal midday, and yogurt as a snack.  It helped!”  Getting hotter.  Why did she say that to me????  “Besides, I don’t point out your weight gain or your stomach.  You went from 8 to 12, I went from 10 to 14.  We both gained weight, but I don’t point out yours left and right.  But anyway, I’m going.  I just wanted your opinion about the skirt.  Thanks.  Peace out.  See you later.”

I turned. 

Keep walking, Vacirca. 

I could hear my heart pounding.

“Why you got an attitude?  I’m just trying to help you!” she continued.  “I mean, I’m older than you and have been married already.  At least I have kids.  You’re younger and won’t get married like that!  I am trying to help you.”

Help me?  I seethed.  Keep walking.  Just keep walking.

I reach the steps.

“There she goes! Getting mad!  I’m just trying to tell her to do something, so she don’t end up alone,” she yelled.  “Letting herself get so big!”

It’s a wrap, baby.  I’m off!

Here is where I went wrong.

I turned back around.

I stomped back over to her, and began to respond.

“Help me?” I groused.  “Help me?  You call that help?  First of all, I came to ask about a skirt.  There is a time and a place for everything.  What does this skirt have to do with my needing to lose weight?  And do you really think I don’t know?  Like I am blind?  Like I ain’t naked, when I shower, then dry my naked body?  Like I need you to tell me?  And why are you saying I can’t get married?  Who are you to say that?  You’re not God! Yes, you got married, but you’re also divorced!  You got divorced when you were still slim!  What does that tell you?”

At least I think that is what I said.  To be honest, I am not even sure it went exactly that way, either—I was so mad!  I don’t want to add or exaggerate, but I couldn’t really hear with my heart pounding and our voices yelling and my body shaking and her finger pointing…

But off we went into an hour-long war. 

What I could finally hear was Satan cheering, with his little minions, in the background—when it was all said and done!

An hour after that disagreement—which was born out of a conversation about a skirt—I realized that it was not the fact that I was angry.  As a Christian, the Lord showed me that I am allowed to feel anger, dismay, frustration, disappointment, or even cheated.  The problem is in my response.   First, I should have simply fled.  The Bible tells us, in many Scriptures, to simply “flee.”  When the Lord isn’t telling us to “flee,” He is telling us to “avoid” the evil.  God tells us to flee from evil (1 Thessalonians 5:22).  God also tells us to avoid foolish arguments, and instruct gently, so others may escape the snare of the devil, who has taken them captive to do his will, so that they may come to repentance (2 Timothy 2:23-25).  God even tells us we can be angry, but must avoid doing evil while angry in Ephesians 4:26.

And not only do I understand all that, I agree with Him.  Yet, there I was, responding with harsh words that stirred up anger, as opposed to a soft answer that turns away wrath—as God instructs in Proverbs 15:1. 

As always, I turned back to the Lord.  My first words were, “Lord, please forgive me.  I did it again with her!  I did it again.”

After the tears, repenting, and worship over God’s never-ending patience, as well as His gift of salvation through Jesus Christ, (thank You, so much, Jesus!), I had to ask Him. 

I said, “Lord?  It’s not working.  Something isn’t working.  You command me to remain in relationship with this person.  I know You are not allowing me to be distant; You are refining my character, and teaching me how to love.  Yet, I keep succumbing to Satan’s attacks and jabs through the person.  I also keep succumbing to my own flesh!  I always respond.  I try not to respond, but I always respond!  Please, tell me why I keep failing?  Why can’t I flee these arguments?”

After a series of praying, I realized that yes, there are times when I am called to flee and avoid.  Other times, as a Christian, I am allowed to respond—when the Lord leads me to do so.  And when I do, I should not respond in the flesh.  I need to respond with the Word of God.  How do I know?  First, the Lord reminded me of the Scripture about Jesus’ time in the wilderness found in Matthew 4:1-11.  During that time, Jesus was tested three times by Satan himself.  Each and every time, Jesus did not flee—which He has been known to do at times in the Scriptures.  Instead, He chose to give a response.  Each time Satan tested Jesus, Jesus responded with, “It is written…”  He may have been exhausted, starving, and nearly to the point of fainting, but Jesus never allowed Himself to call down the powers of Heaven, or defend Himself, or rise to the challenge.  Each time, Jesus would begin a response with, “It is written…”

Each time Jesus was unfairly questioned or accused by the Sadduccees or Pharisees, Jesus would respond, “For God commanded saying…” (Matthew 15:4); or “Is it not written in the Law…?” (John 10:34).  Jesus went as far as pointing the Sadduccees back to the Scriptures, by informing them that they “…are mistaken, not knowing the Scriptures nor the power of God” (Matthew 22:29).  Rather than fight over the Scriptures, He gently let them know they did not know them…which invited them to learn it for themselves.  Jesus even went on to say, “Not what goes into the mouth defiles a man; but what comes out of the mouth, this defiles a man” (Matthew 15:11). 

Ahh!  So I learned that the issue is not always about having to flee, because sometimes you may not be called, necessarily, to flee.  What matters is the response that is led by the Spirit.  If the Spirit leads you to flee, we must obey—something I am still learning to do, more and more, over time.  But when the Spirit leads us to respond, we must respond His way.

And how does the Spirit respond in times of conflict, accusation, insult, temptation, or betrayal? 

He does so by speaking the Word of God.

After a series of Scriptures, an older sermon by Pastor Joseph Prince, and memories, I realized the Lord was confirming for me that I needed to learn how to respond—when I should respond—by speaking His Word to the situation.

Of course, He knew and I knew that when I am getting hot!!!, I am not thinking about the Word of God.  Not only does God know it, and I know it, but the devil knows it.  It’s why he has gotten me much more frequently than he should!  And what the devil doesn’t do, my flesh does all on its own.

I had to stop and ask the Lord.  “Lord how do we speak the Word of God in a tough situation?  I want learn, first, when to flee and when to respond.  And when I respond, I need to learn to respond the way Jesus would.  How can I, someone who is so weak in this area, learn to do that?”

That is when God took me to Jeremiah 1:

After I took a look, I realized that God was preparing to send Jeremiah out into the world as a Prophet—a key witness to the Law and Power of God.  He told Jeremiah “Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you; Before you were born, I sanctified you” (verse 5).  Isn’t that what God—through Jesus Christ—did with all of us, who are called according to His purpose?  We may not all hold the calling of Prophet, but we were all chosen, and foreordained, to be His children and His witness.  We were all ordained to follow Christ before the beginning of time (Ephesians 1:4; 2 Thessalonians 2:13). 

Jeremiah, when informed of his purpose, immediately raised an argument about why he wasn’t able to do it.  He said to God, “Behold, I cannot speak for I am a youth (verse 6).

And as God reminded me of this truth about myself—using the call on Jeremiah—that I often say the same thing that Jeremiah said!  Many times, God has told me to do something or respond a certain way and my answer is, “But God, I clearly am not mature enough, because I keep doing the same thing, over and over! I can never be a witness to [this person].”

What was God’s response?  ““Do not say, ‘I am a youth,’ for you shall go to all to whom I send you, and whatever I command you, you shall speak” (verse 7).  Then God proved His truth because right after He told Jeremiah to speak what He commands, He put forth His hand and touched Jeremiah’s mouth. God then went on to say, “Behold, I have put My words in your mouth” (verse 9). 

For the umpteenth time, the Lord reminded me that He is the One Who equips us to do what He calls us to do.  So, I prayed.  And prayed.  I begged the Lord, by the power of the Holy Spirit, to not only cause me to learn the Word, but to speak the Word.  He’s spent the last two years teaching me to read the Word, not just for my own growth in Christ, but also so I could be used to write the Word—in the fiction and nonfiction pieces He’s been giving me.  I saw that I needed now to learn how to speak the Word in every situation.  As a woman in prayer ministry, I’ve also learned to speak the Scriptures in prayer, claiming the promises of the Lord for a situation—for myself and others.  I never really learned to speak the Scriptures in conflict or during temptations—as Jesus teaches us, over and over, in the New Testament.

Even though the Word tells us in 2 Timothy 2 to “gently instruct” it finally dawned on me that this Scripture is talking about speaking the Word of God to the person, rather than getting in foolish arguments with them. 

I finally got it!  I finally got the answer to how to stop responding in the flesh.  I left my time with the Lord confident, very confident that I would be able to handle the next issue with someone.  Yes!  I would speak the Word in the face of the enemy, who is using people to test me!  That’s it.

Thank You, Lord!

Question is:  did I learn my lesson after all that yesterday? 

Nope.

Because by the end of yesterday evening, I found myself in round two of the same argument. 

How that happened?  I am not sure.

This is why I needed a second round in the battle in prayer.

I went right back to God.

“You told me what to do, how to do it, and Whom would do it.  Yet, I got right back into the same nonsense, Lord?  I failed!”

But He led me to Galatians 5.  In Verses 16 and 17, The Lord provided the answer.  He reminded me that I needed to, “…walk in the Spirit, and you shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh. For the flesh lusts against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; and these are contrary to one another, so that you do not do the things that you wish.”

There is no way to win this battle if I try to do it in my own flesh.  I got a Word from the Lord about how to respond without engaging in conflict.  I also learned what to do while in conflict, in order to avoid sin.  I am to speak the Word of God, in the situation, as much as possible—as Jesus modeled for us all, time and time again.  As soon as I got the Word to edify me, I decided I would have it all under control.  That is exactly how the enemy, along with my own flesh, not only got me again—in the same day—but got me in the exact same way! 

I had to go back, led by the Spirit, to ask Him for Him to give me a fresh touch, a fresh anointing, to walk in His ways.  I had to ask Him to give me the power to walk in the Spirit, all over again.

Yes, I have read this before and I have prayed this before.  Sometimes, the issue is resolved instantaneously.  Other times, it is an ongoing process.  Regardless of how God chooses to deliver us, I know that if I obey and rely on Him—rather than myself—He will get the glory.

I know I can’t!

And next time this person I love—who bugs me—tells me I’m getting fat, the Spirit of God will lead me to respond by speaking the Words of Ecclesiastes 3:11.  Rather than defending myself, lashing out, or using words to hurt back, by the grace of God, in the power of the Holy Spirit, I will respond, “It is written that God makes ‘everything beautiful in its time!’”  

Prayer for Today (and the next several days!): 

Father, I thank You that I can come to You, even when I stumble.  I thank You that through Jesus Christ, I can approach Your throne.  I confess that I have stumbled again, Lord, in my anger.  I ask You for forgiveness of my sin.  I pray Lord for You to take this evil and turn it around for my good—and for Your glory.  By the power of the Holy Spirit, I ask to walk in the Spirit.  I ask to live by the Spirit.  I ask, again, for a fresh anointing and baptism of the Holy Spirit.  I am back at the Cross of Christ, asking for mercy.  I also ask, Lord, that when I am confronted with conflict, that You give me Your wisdom.  I ask that You let me know, each time, when to flee and when to respond.  I come against the powers of Satan that seek to derail my witness, Lord!  I command every mountain that stands in the path of my deliverance to melt like wax, in the Name of Jesus!  No weapon formed against me shall prosper.  In Your presence, Lord, my flesh cannot thrive!  I also ask that You give me the Word to use in my response.  I ask that the Holy Spirit fill my mouth with Your Word, each and every time, so that I would not sin in my anger, and so that the other person may have a response that leads them to You as well.  Please grant me the power to speak the Word of God in every situation—not just in prayer, as I claim Your promises, but in every situation.  Help me, Lord, to speak life and walk in the spirit.  In Jesus’ Name, I pray.  Amen.  Thank You, Lord.