Did I Not Tell You To Ask for More?

Scripture

20 Now in the morning, as they passed by, they saw the fig tree dried up from the roots. 21 And Peter, remembering, said to Him, “Rabbi, look! The fig tree which You cursed has withered away.”

22 So Jesus answered and said to them, “Have faith in God. 23 For assuredly, I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, ‘Be removed and be cast into the sea,’ and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that those things he says will be done, he will have whatever he says. 24 Therefore I say to you, whatever things you ask when you pray, believe that you receive them, and you will have them (Mark 11:20-24)

20 Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, 21 to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen (Ephesians 3:20-21)

I get so confused these days.

 

Why? 

Because the devil is a liar.

And my flesh loves to help him out.

I suppose, I should start by saying I am a young Christian—not a newborn, baby Christian—but fairly young, nonetheless.  I came to Christ five years ago, as of September, 2013.  I am no longer a toddler, but not quite mature.  I thank God that through various blessings, trials, testings, refinings, and teachings, I am finally moving from spiritual milk to solid food.  God is still holding my hand—especially when we must cross dangerous territories, but He lets my hand go when I should be able to walk.  Of course, He doesn’t allow me to walk ahead of Him, but I am getting old enough, in Him, to walk with Him.

However, there are times when my faith—or lack of it—takes me back to spiritual milk.

Lately, the Lord has been speaking to me about some amazing things.  In my heart are all sorts of visions, ideas, and plans.  A couple of them are for the present—as I am in the process of them right now.  Most of them, however, are for the future.  Not only are these visions and plans seemingly insurmountable, but the process or journey that God has chosen for me to take, in order to achieve these purposes, are also frightening.  I am not only being called to leave my personal Egypt(s), but He is taking through the supernatural route—with all of the partings of my personal Red Sea(s) included!

It’s not an easy thing to see “Egypt” (or your past) pursuing you, while you are standing in front of a “Red Sea” (barrier or obstacle) that will surely drown you.  I won’t bother to mention that I am not a good swimmer. 

Of course, there ain’t nary a boat in sight.  Or a life raft. 

I certainly do not own a life jacket these days, either.

And unlike the children of Israel, who were able to take all their belongings—as well as tons of gold, jewels, and other “insurance policies,” I am standing at the Sea, waiting to cross, with nothing…

All I have, this time, is Jesus…

He did say take nothing for my journey, after all (see last post).

Yet, at this age, and stage, of my walk, I am fully aware that Jesus can, and has, and will part my “Red Sea.”  I know Jesus will do it in order for me to get to the other side—to my personal Promise Land.  For me, the Promise Land can be my new career in full-time Arts Ministry; it could be seeing every member of my family accept Christ (I believe I am either the only one, or one of two, saved in a huge extended family); or it may be this marriage I have been waiting upon—especially now that I am closer to age 40, than I was last year, when I was 35.

I am aware that Jesus can do all things.

But sometimes I get confused about what to ask of Him.

I know He can do it all. 

I suppose my fear comes in when I wonder should He be even asked to do it all.

And if so, would He do it all for me?

After all, I am the one with so many issues from my past—the mistakes, the deliberate and unintentional sins, the squandering of opportunities, the history of poor stewardship, the laziness, and all of the things that Satan loves to remind me about whenever I do want to believe God for something.

But besides all that condemnation, and unbelief that tries to creep in, sometimes I simply just get confused.

What am I confused about?

Well, lately, I’ve felt confused about what I should ask Christ.  I get confused about if I am entitled to ask certain things of Him—especially after all that He has already done for me, and after all that I’ve already done to Him (grieve Him, disobey Him, and deny Him). 

Okay so the Word says that through Christ, all of my sins have been forgiven.  Great.  Got it.  Good.  “Get thee behind me, Satan!  I am a child of God in Christ!  You’re not about to stand here and put me on trial!”

Yet, I still feel confused.  And it isn’t all of Satan’s fault.  Nor is it the fault of my flesh only.  I think this battle is actually coming from the world this time. 

The confusion comes in when I consider certain pastors and how the Gospel is being viewed when they preach them.  Very recently I have seen in life, online, and on television, people bashing the “prosperity preachers;” or the “name it and claim it” preachers; or the “Jesus is the key to what you want and you don’t have to suffer” preachers.  I am not going to touch on their riches, however.  I know there are many preachers who came into the “Jesus Business” for the money.  However, I am not going to believe that all preachers, who happened to be blessed, did come into it for the money.  I do personally believe God allows some to become wealthy to further the Kingdom and they are still anointed by God.  I would become a hypocrite to say otherwise, because I am a writer of Christian work.  It is my goal to teach through the media and arts, but to become successful while doing so.  If God allows me, for example, to teach through a novel or film(future plan), that makes me a millionaire—does that mean I no longer have Christ in my heart? 

Of course not. 

Ask some of my favorite Christian fiction authors who seem to live on the New York Times Bestseller list! Am I wrong for wanting to have as many people as possible read the work? Am I wrong for praying for the Holy Spirit to choose to use my works, to touch people around the world?  Am I suddenly un-Christian if He chooses to allow those same works to bless me financially in the process of Him using those works?

No.

I was filled with Christ when I was broke, and believe the Holy Spirit will keep me filled with Christ, if God chooses to allow me to become rich.  The only difference is I can give more as a wealthy believer than as one who is struggling—even though God has had me place my last twenty dollars in a collection plate on more than one occasion!!!!

So I don’t touch that topic.  I believe if anyone has a right to become rich, it should be the ones who give their lives to preach the Gospel.  However, I am against the preachers who treat the Gospel as a business.  As it is written, in 2 Corinthians 2:17, “For we are not, as so many, peddling the word of God; but as of sincerity, but as from God, we speak in the sight of God in Christ.”

Why am I bringing that up?

It is because I believe that I—like so many Christians—know the truth.  Faith in Christ does not entitle us to riches, to name and claim, to be free of all problems.  As a matter of fact, sometimes the problems seem to show up after you come to Christ.  After coming Christ,  God begins to allow you to be tested so that “the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ” (1 Peter 1:7). 

I also believe when one comes to Christ, we are now the enemy of “the enemy.”  He comes after us for sure!  God, of course, allows testing of faith to build perseverance (James 1:3); not to mention endurance, character, and hope (Romans 5:4).

I know as a Christian, these messages of Problem-free-Christianity; or Guaranteed-Riches Christianity; or You-Can-Always-Get-What-You-Want Christianity can kill us all.  Such messages from Prosperity Preachers can be dangerous.  Once a new believer is tested and they see the Christian walk, is not all “Name it and Claim it” or “Seven Steps to Becoming a Millionaire” they may fall away.  Many will end up running out of the Church, screaming that they did not sign up for this at all.  However, since the Bible warns us Christians to keep watch against these wolves in sheep’s clothing, and their beliefs, I do try to do that.  However, I do believe only God can judge the heart of each of His pastors, and our job as the Church, is not to judge them, but to pray for them, and gently admonish those who are blind to the truth.  I do not believe it is our job to judge others who also mistakenly fall victim to the deception preached by Prosperity Preachers.  I do not think we should lump all well-off preachers as Prosperity Preachers, but ask the Holy Spirit to help us to discern the truth.  The devil does seek to divide us and to dull the testimonies of Christ.  I also think, again, we need to gently instruct those who follow the false truth so that they may come into the full knowledge of Christ.  However, I do believe that watching myself so carefully to guard myself against “Prosperity Believing,” has actually caused me to get away from one truth.

God still does desire to bless us with the desires of our hearts.

And I, for one, often feel a bit confused about how much I am allowed to ask God to do or grant me.  I don’t want Him to think I am only looking for His blessings, and not for Him—especially in a world where we cannot determine even which pastor truly loves the Lord.  I certainly do not want my own devotion, and faith in Christ, to be attached to my circumstances.  I mean, I have to be able to love Him when I have money or am flat broke; when I live in the beautiful house and still if it burns down; whether I get the wonderful, Godly husband or end up alone. 

And I came to realize it again today: 

Sometimes, I am afraid to really ask God for what I want.  Sometimes it is because of the condemnation I still feel about my mistakes.  Sometimes it is because I am afraid to be like those who only follow Him for His miracles.  Sometimes it is because I just don’t believe He will do it for me.

So today, I was in prayer.  Lately, I’ve been in deep prayer and fasting regarding my career and ministry.  Not only for the Lord to do it, build it, lead it, but also, to finance it.  However, this morning, it wasn’t about that. 

This morning, the struggle was about my husband.

I woke up feeling a yearning for marriage like I haven’t in a while.  I was surprised because I thought I would have felt it when my YOUNGER brother got married in December, 2013.  I was very happy for my brother—I was one of those petitioning for him and his wife—but I thought I’d feel…something about it.  Yet, I was fine—He kept me.  I thought I’d feel a ways on New Year’s.  Nope.  Perhaps on Valentine’s Day?  Naw, I was good.  My birthday whirled around tossing me into my 36^th year.  Am I surviving?  Yup.  Felt such a joy, two weeks ago, on that day.  It was God, me, and whatever and friends He supplied—not to mention the well-wishes of those who have gotten to know me through the work I’ve done.  I felt blessed.

But this morning…ha!

Miserable yearning for marriage—companionship, the fussing, the dirty socks, the romance, the praying together, the decision-making, the hugs, and all the good and bad that goes into the ministry of marriage. 

So after a conversation with a friend, I went to pray this morning.

I prayed about the usual things.  I worshipped and thanked the Lord.  Then repented and asked for deliverance for any lingering sins that need to be plucked up by the root and cast out.  I prayed for others in intercession.  I prayed for my situation with my career and my finances—decisions in general I need to make.  I prayed about the phone bill I need to pay and I prayed for the salvation of my family.  And then I prayed about and for my future husband.  After praying for the protection, growth, and provision for his family—whoever they may be—I prayed about and for Him.  Here is some of what I said,

“God, please, continue to prepare me for the husband You have for me, Lord.  I pray now that wherever he is, You would continue to draw Him to You, and prepare Him to be a Godly husband and father.  I pray that You would prepare me to be that Queen Esther wife—and that Proverbs 31 wife.  I pray that You would use Him in my life, and use me in his—as you conform us both—as one flesh—to Your image.  I pray that He will love me as I am, even as He helps me to get better; I pray He’d even work out with me, rather than reject me for my flaws such as gaining weight.  I pray I can help with his flaws, rather than hold them against him as well.  I pray for Your best.  In Jesus’ Name.  Thank You for this, Amen.”

You know that prayer, right?  It is one of those general prayers you learn to pray for a husband.  Nothing specific, but the common and safe requests that God requires of most husbands—the ones that God should be able to answer because they are His will, right?

I start to get up and go about the business of the day.

But I sensed the presence of the Lord.

The word Marriage popped into my spirit.

“Lord?” I asked, quickly sitting back down.

He put it into my heart to go first to Mark 11: 22-24.  It is the Scripture about moving mountains and believing that whatever I ask for I will receive.

“I believe it, God…but…”

Then I hear in my heart.

Did I not teach You to ask Me for more?

He leads me back to Ephesians 3:20.

Why have I gotten this Scripture over and over and over again?

And where have I seen this same conversation before?

Hmmmm.

Oh yes!  In my own novel!

God had me write this same message for my character, Jude, who was praying for His wife!

Apparently, although God was using that for me to share with others—it was a message to me as well.

So once I had the revelation.  I felt Him say the following:

Ask Me for exactly what You want for your husband and for your marriage.

Fear.

That’s what I felt as soon as I felt Him tell me to do it.  After all, this question has come up to folks before—for example, King Solomon.  How did he turn out? 

Humph!

So I ask God to help me to ask for the right thing.  I ask the Spirit to align my requests with God’s perfect will because I cannot be trusted and because in the past—

Ask Me for exactly what You want for your husband and for your marriage. 

And that is what He meant.

So I did. 

I laid it out specifically.

It was harder than I could ever imagine.  And I am not sure why.

I know that the Spirit of God opened the door for me to ask, descriptively and specifically, for what I want.

Yet, I am afraid.

Is it that I am afraid to receive it? And fail?

Is it that I am afraid to ask only to be disappointed when He says no?  I mean, it isn’t as though He hasn’t said no before…if He hadn’t said no, we wouldn’t even be discussing this!  I’d been on my tenth year of marriage and third kid by now!

So why am I afraid when He has already shown me that I can ask?

He has already told me “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God” in Philippians 4:6.  He not only said to make the request known, but in verse 7, He promises to supply the peace of God to guard our hearts and minds about the situation!

He already has shown me that He can do more than what I can even think to ask (Ephesians 3:20), if it is according to His will. 

And after I prayed, I had to talk to Him about my fear.  I told Him, “Lord, I don’t know why I am afraid to believe for this.  You have already answered thousands of prayers for me and others around me.  I don’t know why I keep thinking I should ask for less, or that You won’t do it.  I think I am afraid to be disappointed.  A lot of people have prayed and it does not turn out the way they thought it would.”

And He had to take me back to Matthew 7:9.  It is written, “Or what man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread, will he give him a stone?”

Have I been again failing to trust that God wants to give me the desires of my heart?  Have I gotten so jaded by the whole shying away from the messages of those prosperity preachers that I have been afraid to want more, for fear my faith be attached to what I receive, rather than Him?

Have I forgotten the promises of God?

Have I forgotten that “all the promises of God in Him are Yes, and in Him Amen, to the glory of God through us”? (2 Corinthians 1:20).

All morning, after all this, I kept hearing the same scripture over and over. 

“God is not a man, that he should lie; neither the son of man, that he should repent: has he said, and shall he not do it? or has he spoken, and shall he not make it good?”

Number 23:19 is telling me that I, in my unbelief, which God has been telling me about—over and over again—is making God out to be a liar!

I am actually sinning against God by limiting Him, by not trusting that He does love me enough to grant me the desires of my heart—as long as they are His will.  And, not only that, He is so loving, that He causes His Holy Spirit to make our desires align with His will as we learn to surrender.

So as long as I am asking God’s will—which all can be found in the Word of God—then I haven’t a reason to believe that He will not do what He promises to do.

And I have no reason to be ashamed for wanting it.  Just because some people out there do preach only on the blessings of God—rather than the walk with God—doesn’t mean I have to forget about the blessings while I walk with God.

As long as I understand that it won’t always be what I want, and when I want it, because God is Sovereign—and knows what is best for us—I can trust His promises.  As long as I delight myself in Him (not just answers to prayers or rescue from trouble), then He is willing to grant the desires of my heart (Psalm 37:4). 

As long as I am truly seeking His Kingdom, and His righteousness first, He will add things to me (Matthew 6:33).

And as long as there is a Jesus Christ, Who died on the Cross, there is Grace—unmerited favor—that God is willing to bless us with as long as we put Him first and ask according to His will, His Word, and His ways.  As it says in Hebrews 4:16, “Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need.”

I am in need.  I am in need.  I am in need.

I admit it.

And it will take some time to fight through any unbelief in my own heart—that can creep in after waiting years for something.  But I thank God, I can come to the Spirit and confess unbelief and doubt and ask Him to assist me in believing Him. 

What are you trying to believe God for today?  Is it for your spouse to come? Is it a change in your existing marriage?  Is it that baby you’ve been trying for ten years to have?  Is it a new job? Your family members’ salvation?  To be debt-free?

Even as I am called to write this today for you, I am struggling too.  But this is the prayer, I have been given to pray:

Prayer for Today (before You pray specifically for your requests):

Father, I thank You, that we can come to You in a right perspective.  It is not because of us knowing how, but because of Your Spirit drawing us into a deeper understanding of Who You Are, and How You are.  I confess that I often read Your Word, and still falter, when it is time to believe for myself—especially for things I have been waiting a long time to see come to pass.  I confess unbelief, doubt, fear, resentment, and distrust—even after everything You have already done.  Please forgive me.  Holy Spirit, please increase my faith and trust—not just in Your promises, miracles, and answered prayers.  Please increase my faith, trust, and delight in You.  As I approach Your throne daily—and especially when there is urgent need—please help me to obey Your Word and approach You with boldness in Christ.  Help me to do all that which Christ died to allow me to do—to approach you, to make the request known, and to believe You for it.  I pray that You always align my desires and requests with Your perfect will.  If it is something not of You, cause that desire to end.  However, help me to trust You for more and to believe that You desire to bless me more than even I desire to be blessed.  I pray that You be glorified in my life and continue to draw me closer to You.  Thank You for being an approachable God, in Christ, and thank You, Holy Spirit for teaching me faith and how to pray with it. Holy Spirit, please lead my prayer in accordance to the perfect will of God in Christ.  Father I come to You, to request________________________ (make your request known).

And let it be done with thanks in the Name of our Lord Jesus Christ. Amen and Amen.

Take Nothing for the Journey

Scriptures

And He called the twelve to Himself, and began to send them out two by two, and gave them power over unclean spirits.  He commanded them to take nothing for the journey except a staff—no bag, no bread, no copper in their money belts—but to wear sandals, and not to put on two tunics (Mark 6:7-9)

No one engaged in warfare entangles himself with the affairs of this life, that he may please him who enlisted him as a soldier (2 Timothy 2:4).

For the last two weeks, I’ve been hardly able to do a thing. 

I haven’t been able to write for my new blog—which the Lord commanded me to use, to share a periodic Word with others, even as He works on me.  I haven’t been able to finish reediting the last novel I self-published with promised corrections. I haven't re-released the finished second edition of THE MAKEOVER because I couldn't do its new cover.  I haven’t been able to work on a freelance project I have due.  I also haven’t been able to work on my newest novel which I, for one, am anticipating—I cannot wait to see how it will turn out and how it will glorify my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

Why haven’t I been able? At first, I didn’t know.  All I did know was that it felt as though the anointing just left.  I could still feel Him—which is really all I need in life, to be honest.  However, when it came to my work, it felt like the anointing all just…dried up for the last two weeks.  But, why? What did I do to offend the Lord? Was I not doing enough to promote Him, as opposed to the works about Him? Was I just too overwhelmed? Too disorganized? To distracted? Too tired? Too untalented? Too inconsistent? Too broke?

Perhaps I was doing too much!

No.  That wasn’t it. 

I was stuck.

Maybe because I was deciding between too much—

Actually more like two much…or rather, two options.

Before I take it there, let me take it back to the “too broke.”

Yes, too broke.  Too broke led to too much worry.  Too much worry led to doing too much.  Doing too much led to deciding too much.  Deciding too much led to deciding two much—as in between two paths.

Of course, all this led me back to too much worry. 

You see? It’s a cycle! 

It’s a cycle which will cause someone like me—the problem-solver—to want to run to the nearest option, or set of options, that will lead me back to calm and peaceful.

“Uh! Too broke!” 

I hate that!  To be 35…oh, wait, just had a birthday—35 plus 1, and trying to transition into a new career.  Not just any career, but one based on the whimsical opinions of others.  They like your story, they don’t like your story. It’s too long, why wasn’t it longer? It’s too preachy, man she could have done more with the Word of God!  It was realistic, no it was too worldly.  It was too expensive.  It was overdone.  It left me hanging too much…it led me to Christ.  No, it could have, but the characters and their issues distracted me from Christ.

Like I said, a very, very tough career that is based—technically—on the whimsical opinions of other people, who are just as much in need of Jesus as you are—each for their own reasons.  Some are perfectionists, some are angry, some are skeptical, some have an attitude—like me.  Some are frail, broken, prideful, lost, and some just want to lash out.  Regardless of their personal issues, these are the ones I am trying to reach and these are the ones who decide if I’ve reached them—by the grace of God.

Yep, I feel led to reach out to others, all the while being fixed myself, at the same time.  I feel led to reach out to those who have the right to determine if I have a career and ministry based on what they thought about the latest story...

And that is just the requirement of the readers!  I won’t mention the super competitive, bottom-line-only, so-called Christian editors, publishers, agents, and managers us Christian writers plead with to take a look at our evangelical work. 

"Who can compete with Karen Kingsbury and Jerry Jenkins anyway?"

All the while hoping that someone will get saved along the way--or closer to their Savior; that you will write in a way that will not leave the reader just fantasizing about meeting a guy, just like the main character, when they need to be introduced to the character of Jesus!

So to be 35 +1 and turning away from a 13-year career.  To be 35 +1 and pitching for projects, to reestablish yourself in a new place--when I’ve already dug the trenches, and built up another place, years ago! To be 35 +1, and having to count every penny I have and earn and spend when I know I spent 7 years in school, and 13 years in the marketplace, to get to a point when I should not have to do that again.  To be 35+1 and to have to watch my savings dwindle as I pour it all into bills, daily living, and the costs involved in pursuing the call/dream/vision the Lord placed into your heart?

To be 35 + 1 and still doing it without the help of a Godly husband…*ahem* yeah, later for that one—I am gonna save that one for another blog entry...

"Can we, Holy Spirit, please?I want to discuss how I still ain't got a man and I am 36 now and--"

Focus, Daughter...

Um.

Yeah…like I said, to be 35 +1 and be…too broke.

When I say "too broke" I don't even mean really broke--as in have nothing.  I mean too broke as in not used to having so much...less and really uncomfortable with what I do have...

“But why, Vacirca, would you do it this way? Why did you walk away from the job you had? If you had to walk away, to do the writing full time, why did you walk away without a Plan B for income, with only the savings you had, with only whatever the Lord provided for you to have at that time? That’s not wise, why would you do that?”

"Because God told me too."

Uh oh.

No, she did not!  I knew this chick is bananas!

Let me explain.  I am not like the folks that sell off their belongings, move to the nearest caves, and wait on the Rapture.  What I mean is that—as I’ve mentioned before—God has been allowing me to work, save money, then take time off to devote full-time attention to the writings—as I live off the savings He provides in between.  It has been this way for the past two years.  And for the past two years, I have been praying; I have been longing for the writings, themselves, to support me.  I have been praying that the writings I’ve already done would support me, as well as provide the funding for the arts and media evangelism ministry He put on my heart for the future.  However, during the last time, in November 2013, I remember wanting to leave the job and looking forward to writing full time again—even if it was for a few months to get my last novel finally completed after a year of drama.  Yet I was afraid.  I didn’t want to fail again at being successful; I didn’t want to have my time off to write, only to have to go back into the marketplace again, for another go, when the money ran out.  I also remembered some foolish choices I’d made, in the past, with the money God provided for me to take off before—can you say “spend ‘til you can’t spend no more?”

I won’t go into the days of waste.  Either by God’s will, succumbing to laziness of the flesh, or demonic opposition, there have been weeks!!!! when I could not write to save my life!

I didn’t want to misuse the gift that God was giving me--including whatever talents and the time off.  So, at the time, when I had enough savings to leave my job, I remember praying and fasting for days about whether the time was right and if it was His will for me to go.

I spent days in prayer and fasting, with my Bible open, asking the Holy Spirit for confirmation.  He confirmed my next steps with scripture—SIDE NOTE: you always, always want to confirm a Word from the Lord, regardless of its source, with scriptural confirmation, and wise counsel.  Then, just because the devil will actually use wise Christians to discourage you, you must confirm the wise counsel with more scriptural confirmation! 

So, after the confirmationS(!!!), I got really fearful.  What if I run out of money while I work towards this goal, led by God? Let’s face it, it would not be the first time God gave me a blessing, and answered prayer, only to have to watch myself completely mess it all up. Or take too long to write the thing? Or resist the hated Facebook and Twitter to market myself, in spite of what everyone keeps telling you.  Or to just feel like a failure when someone else turns down your too-long novel! What if I ruined it all again?

So, what did I decide to do?

I decided to look for another job—perhaps a more flexible one just in case…I was a clinician, after all.  Perhaps, I would stop all the nonprofit—and they mean that literally, trust me—and go into private practice for psychotherapy--where I control my own schedule.  Perhaps I could find a work from home job--performing phone assessments for suicide prevention hotlines or drug abusers referred for treatment by their boss through the EAPs.  Something flexible.

Only one problem—I just didn’t have it in me to do that.

But I did it anyway.  I began to apply for alternate positions in November.

And when I did, I felt the Lord come to me and tell me to look in Luke 9:3, back in November.  He told me to “...take nothing for the journey, neither staffs nor bag nor bread nor money; and do not have two tunics apiece."

After I read that, I was floored.  It just didn't seem wise.  After all, just because a Word is in the scriptures, does not mean the Word is for you.  God does command us to "rightly divide the Word of God" in 2 Timothy 2:15.  So, I checked, and rechecked, with Him and finally, I was led to resign and walk away.

Without a Plan B…without a certainty of what would happen this time. However, I learned that the Lord was sending out His disciples to preach the Gospel and perform His works.  He was telling them to go--just go.  He would provide what they needed along the way, as long as they obeyed His instructions.

And since then, things have been going well…except for the times...*sigh* they weren't.  But God and I, well...things were working out...that is, until three weeks ago, when I looked at my funds and realized I was running a bit lower than I anticipated. 

"Dag! I was doing a lot better with money management this time, I thought.  Haven't been out sporadically.  Haven't gotten out of budget.  Dag!" 

So I did what I always do.  I prayed.  Then I received a call to do fee-for-service mental health work again, at a nearby mental health clinic. 

"Oh, so that must mean the season to return to work has come. Durn!  Okay, then, back to that once again..."

*sigh*

Except that God also granted me a project to do from home—in the middle of my own creative writing projects—to sustain me for a while…

Until two weeks ago, when after paying the bills, I found myself right back to closing rapidly in on square one.

So here is when “too broke” led to “too much worry” and “too many decisions”—or rather, “two many decisions.”

What do I do?

Do I continue on this journey—without a plan of where I should go?  Should I get another freelance job? Should I go and do this fee-for-service therapy job? Should I do something else? Should I just say, “Enough is enough, man! I’ve tried.  I got thangs to do and can’t be worrying about cash flow! Forget writing.  It ain’t never gonna happen—just like people in my family said!”

*Sigh*

I guess Satan was lying to me.  I am going back to mental health...to obtain income to have what I need...but...oh well, let me go do my fingerprints and drug test and blah blah and take this job...*sigh* man!  

Wait!  Oh yeah!  "Thank You Jesus for whatever You provide.  You are the Provider and I appreciate You, even if I don't understand or like it.  I will do that job and...*sigh*

So I began the process.

And as for writing...

It was a wrap since then.

And for the two past weeks, as I said, I haven’t been able to do anything.

Until today.

Why today?

Because today is the day I went back on my face and told God I surrender.  I asked Him, one more time, to confirm for me.  Do I continue? If so, what will I do? Should I get another mental health job? *gag* Or should I just do more freelance?

And what does God tell me?

He leads me to Mark 6:7-9.  Where it says again, “take nothing for the journey—take nothing except a staff—no bag, no bread, no copper in their money belts—but to wear sandals, and not to put on two tunics.”

Same thing He said the first time in Luke 9…except this passage says take nothing except a staff.  It says put on sandals, and not to put on two tunics!

The first one in Luke 9:3  said nothing about taking the staff.  Nor did He highlight anything about sandals to wear.  What is the difference? I ask the Holy Spirit, “What is this staff about...the sandals...and why does He say not to put on the two tunics?”

Even though the references of Luke 9:3 and Mark 6:7 essentially say the same thing--God is sending you out, go now, and take nothing with you...there is a slight difference.  Luke tells us to take absolutely nothing.  Mark says nothing "except a staff and sandals."

What is different about Mark's scripture and what is it You want me to know? I wondered.  I finally asked the Spirit.

He led me to these answers:

As we know, in the scriptures, when the Lord refers to the “staff” or “rod”—in some places—it can mean many different things.  The rod or staff can be a tool for discipline—from which we are all instructed not to spare any disobedient children in Proverbs 13:24.    In another case, the rod or staff can refer to the tool the shepherd uses to keep his sheep in line—in other words, the staff can be viewed as the Word of God that the Shepherd—Jesus Christ—uses to keep His sheep from falling away from the path He has for them; knowing that God uses His “staff” to keep His sheep in line can be a great source of comfort to us—as David said in Psalm 23:4—“thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me.”  

The rod can also represent the very tool that will be utilized to be a vehicle of God’s supernatural power and provision—as we saw when the Lord God commanded Moses to use his rod or “staff” that was already in his hand in Exodus 4:2 to perform the miracles for Pharoah until Moses completed his mission to help the Israelites obtain freedom.

Regardless of the various ways the “staff” has been represented in the Word, it all symbolizes the same thing—a total dependence on God for everything we need.  Whether it is that we need discipline; whether we need the Word to keep us from falling out of line; whether we need the power of God’s supernatural provisions—the Lord is telling me to take nothing for the journey except a staff.  In my case, what He is teaching me, in His Word, is used to keep me in line with His will for my life.  Also in my case, the staff is whatever supernatural provisions, from the Holy Spirit, that He chooses to use to do His will in me, and in my work--like that freelance gig I testified about miraculously showing up.  It is also the same staff He'll use to beat my behind if I need it.

When I left the job before, He told me to leave with nothing--in Luke 9:3. That was a time for me to leave in obedience and trust.  I had the scripture to confirm, and the plan in my heart--nothing more. It was a time to be tested to see if I would obey God even if it meant leaving without anything except trust in His Word.  Period.

Now, the scripture was given again--except now with a staff, sandals, and tunic.  

Basically, He reminded me that if I continue to obey that same Word He gave me the first time, He would provide what I need, when I need it, and how I need it.  And He can/will provide more.  Regardless of the specific details of what I need—as long as I continue to look to Him and obey Him, He will provide all that I need with His staff.

Of course, I felt renewed, as He reconfirmed what He’d told me a few months back--but with more.  I felt like He was reminding me to trust Him not only to bring the vision to pass—but for the provisions, resources, support, and readers needed along the way.

But what about the sandals in this scripture?  And the tunic?  I will get to that...

Of course, I had to ask one more question.  “What is it that I was doing wrong? What would You have me do instead, Lord?”

Basically, He knew—like I knew—that I was asking Him two things: why did I feel so stuck lately? And, by the way, why does He want me to take this journey in this scary way?

The Holy Spirit led me to another series of Scriptures.  However, the last one He impressed upon me began from 2 Timothy 2:4.  He says, “No one engaged in warfare entangles himself with the affairs of this life, that he may please him who enlisted him as a soldier."

God is reminding me that I told Him I would fight—to win souls for His Kingdom, using the gifts and talents He gave me.  I had given back to Him the writing, the counseling abilities, the intercessions, the "whatevers" He’s ever given me for His use.  And I no longer needed to be focused on entangling myself with civilian—or worldly—ways to be used to do His will.  I did not need to focus on, or rely upon, worldly provisions.  God would supply.  Don’t get me wrong—God may decide to supply money or a certain kind of work to earn money.  God may show up with a publishing contract—the prayer answered for my work to provide the money for itself! 

What He is reminding me is that I do not have to look to the world and   entangle myself in things He does not put me into or require me to do.  He will provide all that I need in His way.  It could be like one of those testimonies where He gives me the perfect paying job that allows me to write.  He could make it that my writing becomes my paying job.  He may send me a check through a donor.  I don’t know the what, but He reminded me that I do know the Him!

"But what does that have to do with the sandals and tunics?"

Well, the sandals in this Scripture was in line with the fact that I would be walking--but in a way I've never walked before.  Meaning, although in the past two years I've taken this journey by working-saving-quitting-working-saving-quitting, the Lord was going to do something new in the I walk on the path of this journey.  God also reminded me of the other places He mentions we need to put on our shoes.  In Ephesians 6--in the Chapter about engaging in spiritual warefare, we are told in verse 15 to use our spiritual shoes; it is written,  "...and having shod your feet (fitted your feet) with the preparation of the gospel of peace."  Not only will I walk in a way I've never walked, but I ought to walk in the Gospel of Peace, and be prepared to share it as I go.

And as for the two tunics--well, it falls in line with the scripture He gave in 2 Timothy 2:4.  God is telling me that I cannot wear two tunics--meaning be clothed with the ways of this world and be clothed with with ways of God.  At this point in my walk--my journey--I must wear one tunic--either one or the other.  Since I have accepted Christ and He lives in me, I no longer can wear the old tunic.  He led me to Isaiah 61:10, where it is written, "My soul shall be joyful in my God; For He has clothed me with the garments of salvation, He has covered me with the robe of righteousness..."

The tunic I wear...the garments I wear, the robe I wear...must now be of those of my salvation and righteousness.  God is telling me I need to wear a new tunic--and more importantly, find a new way of doing things.  I am being told to take off that first tunic and wear the new one because that first tunic belonged to my old self and my old way of doing things.  As it says in Ephesians 4:22-24, "that you put off, concerning your former conduct, the old man which grows corrupt according to the deceitful lusts, and be renewed in the spirit of your mind, and that you put on the new man which was created according to God, in true righteousness and holiness."  

Most importantly, I need to do what a righteous person does--walk in the new places He leads me, put off my old tunic (my old way of thinking and living) and trust Him.  As it says of the righteous man, in Matthew 6:31-33, "Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you."

As long as I am in Christ, I am declared righteous in Christ.  All of these promises in the Word belong to the righteous in Christ!  The righteous may get nervous, but we must learn to trust the Lord.

So I wanted to share this Word.  I know it is confirmed, because as soon as I allowed the Holy Spirit to remind me of this again--even while teaching me something new from it-- I felt the urge the write and share it with others.

For the first time in two weeks!

I am to remind myself, and to share this with you all:  Many of us are called to do things that seem impossible.  For me—it is to start a new career as a writer, and to build an arts and media ministry that will put forth projects (for both entertainment and information) to glorify the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  For others, it is to join the mission field.  For still others, it is to begin evangelizing the Word right in your neighborhood—the very same neighborhood where you’ve never exchanged as much as a “Hey!” with your snotty neighbors.

And in many cases, God will tell you to leave something behind—and to not only leave things behind, but rather, to take nothing with you along the way.

Some of you may be called to leave a job—like I did.  Others may be called to leave a location, or a home, in which you’ve grown comfortable.  For others it may be a relationship—been there too (and no, I do NOT mean your marriage)! 

Regardless, when God tells you to go—just go.

And when God says take nothing with you…don’t.

And don’t go trying to find something to replace the stuff you left behind—like I did in my own strength.  When God says take nothing, He means take nothing.  God desires to be glorified...do NOT stand in the way of God bring glory to His own Name through your issue.  Just let Him.  To go even further, there are times God will not just say take nothing with you.  There are times He will say leave nothing--meaning kill everything--from birth (or from the root).  When He tells us to kill everything-including the women and infant (or something from the root)—kill them.  I am not telling anyone to murder, or take a life literally, but remember that God is so serious when He tells us to kill.  After all, He did tell the Israelites to kill everything of Amalek in 1 Samuel 15:3.  If God means for you to kill perhaps a friendship or relationship…to kill a dream or idea; to kill a business, to kill an intention—right down to its roots. Do it.

If you want to know the consequences of not doing it--feel free to check out 1 Samuel 15! 

As God reminded me, if we obey Him, we will be crowned in His glory.  God promises that we will bear fruit and we will be the first to partake of the crops.  As it is written in 2 Timothy 2:5-6, “And also if anyone competes in athletics, he is not crowned unless he competes according to the rules.  The hardworking farmer must be first to partake of the crops.”

I don’t know how it is going to look tomorrow.  I don’t know how God is planning to meet my needs.  I don’t know what the end will be.  But He does.  And I am not saying I am not fearful at times; I won’t lie and say I won’t choose what seems easiest and fastest.  Nor will I act as though I have it all together and won't mess it up again—only to have to be brought back to the Throne of Grace again on my face in repentance.  What I am saying is that I will continue to work at surrendering and doing whatever it is, whenever it is, God’s way.

And if I have nothing for the journey, I know God will make a way because everything belongs to Him anyway.

Prayer for Today:

Father God, in Jesus’ Name, I come before You, thanking You for Your love, kindness, and daily provisions.  I thank You that because of Jesus’ sacrifice on the Cross, we can believe our prayers are heard and answered if they are according to Your will.  I thank You that the Holy Spirit lives in us, and leads us, for Your glory.  Please forgive me for times I’ve succumbed to doubt, unbelief, and a desire to do what is comfortable—which is to do it my way.  Please forgive me for doubting after everything You’ve already taught me, and already done with and through me, in Christ.  I ask for You to order my every step.  Let me not go right nor left.  Let me not cower in fear, or take matters, I’ve already surrendered, back into my own hands.  Let me not make impulsive or rebellious decisions in unbelief or fear.  Let me not turn back from that which You’ve delivered me.  I ask for You to clarify and confirm the vision and purpose for Your perfect will for my life.  I ask for You to confirm each step I must take for Your purpose for my life—starting with the very next step.  I ask for you to do what Your Word says and equip me for every good work.  I ask for you to provide all that I need—finances, resources, support from others, as well as Your hand of protection against any demonic attack or opposition.  I ask You to keep my flesh from rising and help me to walk in the Spirit.  Most of all, help me to rely on your staff—whatever way You choose to provide it.  Please lead me on this journey and be glorified in the process and in the completion.  Along the way, please keep me from being a burden on others.  Provide directly from Your riches in glory in Christ Jesus.  I thank You, Lord.  In Jesus’ Name, I pray.  Amen.